just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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