My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
