Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
