So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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