I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
