i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
