Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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