I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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