clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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