I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
