Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
