Plan B is the new Plan A
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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