it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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