don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
