Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
