Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
