Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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