I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
