I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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