my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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