I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
