I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
