If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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