you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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