I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
