I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I deserve this hangover.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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