maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
