I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
