The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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