You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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