I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
