you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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