cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
