the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
