Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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