he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
