um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
