I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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