I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved