im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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