Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
