I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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