Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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