were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
