Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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