this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Couch. On fire.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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