She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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