I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
