good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
