And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
