Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
