I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
