I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
