I look better un-naked...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
