I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
