I hate your face
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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